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Not long ago, Manhattan psychotherapist Renee Goldman called a colleague, wanting to refer a client. It was an epidemic of sorts, they agreed, this seeking to make sense of the single status. Never married or long divorced, a growing of single women are taking their turmoil to psychologists and psychiatrists. To help explain the trend, mental health professionals cite media reports spotlighting a so-called man shortage and dwelling on the purportedly dismal odds of marriage for women over Moreover, Census data indicate that median ages for first marriages have climbed from Marriages for highly educated women between the ages of 27 and 39, the figures demonstrate, rose between anda time when the marriage rate for the population at large was in decline.
But s are scant consolation to women who feel they are unwitting players in some great game of coast-to-coast Old Maid and who share a collective sense of terror about their prospects of marriage. Those in the mental health field point Any women over 30 certain common elements among these women clients: highly successful careers, high incomes and, often, family backgrounds that are almost baroque in their complexity. But they fail to pinpoint a pathology that characterizes these women, agreeing only that it is a major concern. She has an underlying sense of failure, a nagging suspicion that perhaps she has missed the boat somewhere.
Certainly the issue of confusion, if not outright discomfort, over marital status is not exclusive to women in this age bracket. But traditionally, women have sought psychological help in far greater s than have men.
Men are less likely to consult a psychological professional at all, and when they do, the questions they raise are apt to be of a different nature entirely. They may complain of difficulty in sustaining a relationship, but their focus is likely to differ dramatically from that of their female age peers. The old role model is mother--the grow-up, get married and have babies role model. What I did was go to graduate school and become a quote, unquote success in my scholarly field. I think we are all confronting the old ways on one hand, and the unknown on the other.
She would like to be married, and though her child-bearing days are ed, Carla said she still thinks about having children. But the realities of the marital marketplace do not fill her with optimism. Virtually uncharted, this mid-life, male-female psycho-emotional territory is also convoluted and confusing, Mornell said. Particularly among women patients, Mornell often encounters a series of symptoms: poor concentration; eating or drinking too much; sleep disruption; a general blue view of the world.
Taken together, the symptomatology points to depression. What they grew up doing was learning to be perfect, to be successful, to be in control. Control becomes an important theme because somebody in the family was wildly out of control. And in any good relationship, one party or the other is at some point going to have to give up control. In various forms, control is an issue that often surfaces in psychotherapy. For single women vexed by their status, Janice Lieberman suggests, the control question can be particularly confounding.
Women become desperate, Lieberman said, grabbing at the nearest available male straw. The man calmly tells his new neighbor about his sordid past as a bank robber, a murderer, an embezzler and a tax evader. On any evening of the week, women across the country gather in homes, classrooms, church halls to examine the phenomenon of excessive--and what they call addictive--love. Though she has adapted the term slightly, calling her groups Women Who Give Too Much, Hermosa Any women over 30 psychotherapist Myrna Miller now has well over 50 such women meeting in weekly and bi-weekly groups.
Santa Barbara psychotherapist Norwood takes a cautious view of the proliferation of groups ostensibly inspired by her book. Still, Norwood in no way disputes the distress, even despair and desperation, that Any women over 30 these women into such gatherings. Men court women, and are willing to make a long-term commitment. Women are also apt to be relatively content with the marital role, and you have a moral tradition that expresses strong sanctions against things like adultery or premarital sex, especially for women.
Men tend to have more alternative relationships with women. They are less likely to make commitments to women, and more apt to have higher divorce rates.Are UNMARRIED Females OVER 30 Are DAMAGED GOODS? M* Weighs In....(Throwback/Lost Vids)
In the view of Los Angeles psychologist Annette Baran, the surplus of women is not the only aspect of the male-female equation that is off balance these days. Adolescence for men I think used to last until Now it lasts until This shift in expectations and development has ed for another casualty in the ongoing gavotte between the sexes, said Baran. If she manages to make that, then she is not nearly as tolerant or accepting of any kind of settling into a relationship. She is not going to settle as easily. Yet powerful myths and strong conditioning persist.
The wife-and-mother role--Harriet Nelson, Mrs. America--is a commanding specter for women born before Baran recalled one client, a successful professional, who was at once agonizing and rejoicing over the marriage of her younger sister. She may have rejected those domestic options, the psychotherapist said, but still she feels nostalgic for them.
Marriage, however, may not be the gold at the end of the rainbow. On the contrary, said Rosalind Barnett, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Weston, Mass. Look at all the women who are getting out of marriages.
Without dismissing the women who want to talk about the lack of male relationships in their lives, Barnett refocuses the matter. No man is going to make you feel whole. At this point in their life, they could care less about career. Kirschner focuses her treatment in the context of cultural norms. They can be confident handling difficult business interplay, they can be brilliant in the courtroom, and you put them in a social situation with a man and they are absolutely terrified. Kirschner is optimistic. Janice Lieberman is less sanguine. Her paper for the American Psychological Assn.
I believe that this denial stimulates self-image difficulties in single females. In her New York office, Lieberman is more forceful still. The therapists throw it back to these women. Single herself, Lieberman maintains that too many of her professional colleagues are simply unaware of the horrors of mid-life dating and mating. We do not accept that fact that beautiful, bright women may be very sad because they are never going to find somebody.
To the dismay of the unmarried woman who would like a prescription, whether for a husband or for a happy life alone, no magical elixir is known to exist. You have to change yourself.
As men and women turn to therapists to help them understand--or change--their single status, psychotherapists also face new demands. At present the matter is a maze. I think the pace of change is so much faster now. All Sections. About Us. B2B Publishing. Business Visionaries.
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